The Truth about the Spiritual Journey

It was not as once thought that finding God was an easy task,

I have been on a path to find him my whole life, without even knowing. 

The real search began after returning home from serving two years in the Army under the conscription act. Always realizing the impact abuse had over me throughout the years growing up. Verbal, physical, sexual. I never knew exactly what was so scarring about it, until now. What was still tying me down to it no matter where i ran to or got in life.

The child in me that didn't scream when he wanted, didn't shout, curse, swear, cried, attacked, blamed, smiled, love, when he was meant to. 

You must express emotion, right the second you feel it. However way you must. For holding onto it is like holding onto a razor, a flame, anything that burns the longer you posses it.

As a kid i was told it was wrong, you must hide yourself from the world. I was told when to eat, when to speak, when to feel, how to feel and why being yourself when your meant to be yourself is wrong. 

I kept that in me and it came out when it was not meant to, in a more devastating way then it was suppose to.

I turn to violence, i turn to lies, i turn to crime, I had a drug problem at 14, a sex problem at 18. I did anything i could to run from the feeling that was inside me. You can never run, only bury it deeper. 

Regardless of what i did i knew i was still a sweet kid, really. All i wanted was love and to be loved. But my earliest memories of love were just guilt. I felt bad for being who i was. So i went as far from love as possible. I wanted power, i wanted respect, i want people to be jealous, I wanted to show everyone why they wish they had my life.

I was trying to be this fighter/playboy character that was just a front. It was all a front from the fear i had of loving. God gave me other plans, 

when i was at the top of the world with my fighting ego, traveling to other countries, getting paid, getting a name, getting the most bullshit 'likes' on Facebook. I was permanently injured. Freak accident they said.

When i was getting laid the most, totally warping and destroying my beliefs on sex and women. Which i had no idea about. Sleeping with over 50 women in the space of a year. I got myself too deep and ended up getting a beautiful girl pregnant, tearing a family with children apart. Loosing my faith completely in relationships, destroying my sexual self and worst of all creating this fucking image that wasn't me.

It was not by chance that i had these things happen to me. I had to learn that it was living, i had to go back face my demons to truly live.

In my first encounter with what to me was God, the divine, the universe, allah whatever you call it. 

I experience love that i knew was always there but was too blind to see. The love from a mother, a father. A lover. All rolled into one unconditional space of constant sexual ecstasy with the universe. It was brought on by psychedelics. The constant state of full body mind spirit orgasm that lasted hours. 

The feeling that "its all good, everything is perfect" complete love compassion and forgiveness for everything.

That night i realized that there was something real to live for. Something worth it, something that made sense. I thought the answer was psychedelic drugs for a long time.

It lead me to many journeys deep into who I am. Many realization. The path to find God, to find happiness within, not as a product from the external, material world.

Mediation, chanting, attending mass, praying, fasting soon followed but all roads lead to the same path and i had to learn what i had to learn.

Finding God lead me on a very lonely and dark road.

This is the reason why...

When you are invited into the Kingdom of heaven, into the scared space of true unconditional love for yourself and the world. You do not stay there, you fall. The higher you get to real love the harder the fall is.

You are forced to confront what you have been running from, the baggage inside your subconscious, the emotions that should have released all those years ago. They come back out.

You get to a point on this journey that you can't even enjoy going out to have a simple meal with a friend. You loose interest in what you thought was making you happy, party, girls, shopping, attention, drugs, fame, praise, gossip, talking shit, fucking Facebook, nothing can distract you from the silence, and emptiness between the words.

It all doesn't make sense anymore, the harsh truth that you have been living a lie. A sorta costume, a suit. You walk to the next guy wearing a different suit. And you both comment on how beautiful your suit is. When you don't even know what you look like naked. 

That what it is, and you feel naked for once, the suit doesn't fit. Nothing fits.

You've got friends, so what? You've got a girlfriend, so what? Your attending school, so what? your an athlete, so what? your good looking, so what? You've accomplished many things, so what? It all goes out the window on this spiritual journey. When you find yourself on it, there are no U turns. 

There is a very important lesson to be learn from this spiritual journey.

Finding out who you are totally naked, Behind your name, behind your body, behind even your thoughts. And loving that completely naked being, because that being to me is God. 

It a a fucking difficult, lonely road. Everyone is always alone in life at the same time we are all connected. No matter how many friends or company your with. You realize your alone when there is silence, when you look someone in the blackness of their eyes and not say a word. You appreciate them not for their suit, but for being naked. 

Its a hard thing to withstand man, silence. You get nervous, anxious. Like your meant to be doing something, saying something to prove you exist. It does not make sense to me anymore.

Most of you people can't even go an hour, without your Phones, internet, connection before you feel anxious. Thats the truth for everyone including myself. We feel the need to be in contact with someone, something external to remind ourself we are alive. 

The truth the spiritual path takes you to eventually, is the fact that permanent bliss and happiness comes from with in. You have to loose everything to realize you are everything and nothing was yours in the first place.

And its a tough gig. 

Who wants to give up what they believed their whole lives would make them happy. 

Who wants to face demons from the past, who wants to really confront their biggest fears, and see how strong you really are when the world you thought was real disappears. 

No one, not even me. If i could turn back i would've many times. But there are no U turns here.

is it worth it?

Ill let you know, but its like once you've taken the red pill, that ain't no way you can go back. 

You do find beautiful hints of whats real to appreciate, love, nature, children, Raw emotion like seeing a wild animal killing its prey, like a father holding his child for the first time, like the compassion you see in the eyes of someone who has hope and forgives no matter how hard life got.

True Healing, True Masculinity and True Femininity

Why thousands and thousand flock from all over the world to experience Ayahuasca. The true purpose of Mother Aya.

There are many many forms of "healing" being practiced all through out the world, from pills to prayers, drinks to retreats. Not to take anything away from any of these methods, but never before would I imagine something to work quite like ayahuasca does.

Physical Healing.

Ayahuasca is a very strong detoxifying agent, after drinking it most will often experience what is known as 'the purge' in the amazon. Vomiting and crapping all the nasty stuff that has been trapped in your digestive system. Years of drugs, alcohol, crappy food that has been stuck and molded into you body needs to get out. 

So obviously the more you puke and shit, means you must have a lot to clear. But thats the best part, you feel so much lighter, easier and less congested after each ceremony, Like you can feel you body again after all these years. 

Healing of the Mind

When you drink the black, thick, mysterious liquid. 

You are transported into a world constructed from the maps of your mind. Every deep dark craves becomes illuminated in love. Every memory engraved in your brain that has impacted you greatly one way or another gets brought out to the surface.

Trauma, abuse, deep hurt inflicted by yourself or others comes to the light to be accepted and let go off. Thats why Ayahuasca is so successful with Victims of sexual abuse and drug addicts. 

There is nothing you can hide from Mother Ayahuasca. She knows your deepest darkest secrets, your most beautiful heart. 

She puts you in the shoes of those who have hurt you and those you have hurt. To understand what happened and to let go of it so it doesn't control your life anymore. 

Freedom.

Is letting go of attachment.

What memories inflicted that when you think about, causes sadness, anger, hurt, anxiety. Gets rewired so that instead of feeling all these negative emotions you feel nothing love and compassion. It is simply that powerful. To be free of traumatic memories is one of the greatest feelings ever. 

Like you have been locked in chains because of that emotions, and finally take them off one by one.

A powerful example of one the so called chains that has been taken of me. 

I had been carrying tremendous guilt after getting a girl pregnant, and having an abortion. I had to really suppress this guilt that i took away a life, my own child. 

In one of the very first ceremonies i did in Iquitos, it took that strong emotion of guilt, brought it to the surface. I cried and cried and then vomited into a bucket, as i looked into the bucket. I saw a dead fetus. As soon as that happened the feeling of guilt, regret, shame simply disappeared. 

True stuff. There is nothing you can hide from unconditional love. There is nothing you can't heal from love. With Ayahuasca, you experience that love immediately. The healing, motherly forgiving love that doesn't judge, but looks upon us with compassion.

When you experience healing for yourself you will understand what it takes to be a real man, and a real women.

The most important thing to work on in life, is yourself. To improve every aspect of your being. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. To bring all aspects of yourself in total harmony. 

When all those are balanced you are transformed into a higher being, achieving true purpose and calling.

I have been gifted to be able to work on myself with and without the aid of Ayahuasca. 

We really have to confront our fears head on in life, believe, trust and think positively about every situation. The future is just an illusion, so if we are going to believe something bad, we might as well make up something good. That makes us move forward in life. 

Men & Women

We must understand as Men and Women we are given a very special task on this earth. We must look past the greedy nature of our egos to become truly embraced by the universe.

From my own experience I know how trapping society is into making us think what Men and Women are all about. 

As Men, we must overcome the shadow aspect of Masculinity. Our greed for money, our lust for women, our thirst for power. Where all our weaknesses stem from, emotional attachment, low self confidence, indecisiveness. 

A true man, represents strength, confidence, protection, loyalty. To not make decisions not out of emotion, but truth. To be emotionally free from relationships, to be the perfect father figure for kids to learn from. To be rock for people to lean on. To know what we want, and work for it. 

That is what us as men must aim for. Not the bullshit from movies and story books. 

As the same with women, the weakness like being selfish, greed for money and attention, not in touch with feelings, unable to express,  impatience with what they want. A true women is strong, honest, proud and very very giving, loving, caring and supportive. Strong when she's is around company, strong when she is on her own. Happy, always joyous, to be beautiful yet graceful. To carry herself proudly without putting others down or make them feel uncomfortable. To raise kids, and show the same unconditional love.

And it is so important to be consciously aware of this, to practice everyday. To not get ahead of what truly being a man and women is about.

This is what the experience of Ayahuasca has given me the chance to realize and work on.

I have also seen my own Child in an Ayahuasca ceremony and that feeling to be a father is strong. It is something i really needed to work on.

It is a long journey, and we have many tools available we must make full use of them.

Be it meditating, Ayahuasca, Yoga, exercise, diet, whatever.

It is fully in our reach to be happy and content, we must grasp every opportunity we get to work on it. Through positive thoughts we create our future and through strength we can live in the moment fully.

The Power of Thoughts

The secret to feeling happy

Frequency

Living in a 3 dimensional world everything is made of energy. This table I'm writing on, the computer, the internet, my hands, my vision, my thoughts. All energy vibrating at different frequencies.

Everything living produces a certain vibrational frequency that is received from on thing to another. A happy person for example has a very high frequency, you can tell this straight away from being around someone so happy he forces you to be happy.

Vice-versa, as very depressive person produces a negative vibration. That why you think their making you feel shit, even if it is your own thoughts that are creating that impression.

No one can lower or raise your frequency but yourself.

When a person is in a high vibration, positive. Their consciousness is immediately expanded. The bigger your consciousness is in any given moment, the more you are able to perceive and feel life. The more your feeling of Oneness with there universe. That feeling that everything is ok.

After Sex, achievement, praise. That feeling you receive after all those three is a result of your consciousness expanding and your vibration raising to a high frequency.

If you knew and understand as to how important and powerful your thoughts are, you would never want to think bad again.

Strong thoughts have a HUGE role to play in a persons frequency.

Strong Negative thoughts that induce negative emotions lower your consciousness fully. Whatever thought it is that carries after it a bad feeling dramatically lowers that individuals frequency. 

Depressed, Sad, Angry people usually have very negative thoughts thus putting them in a state of low frequency, something very difficult to get rid of.

As soon as you wake up in the morning, Your very first few thoughts usually dictate the rest of your day.

eg. "I got bills to pay", "Im fat", "Im Ugly", "They hate me".

Big traps in our thinking patterns almost all of us fall for. 

As soon as you give in to the negative wave of thinking, it will snowball. The more negative your thinking, the more negative you will feel, the more it reinforces each other. Thats why it is so hard to get out of a bad day. 

But the opposite end. 

Starting your day with thoughts that produces happy feelings.

eg."The weather is beautiful." "I'm seeing my lover", "i just got paid"

Does exactly that, raise your consciousness and snowballs upwards.

So how do we maintain a high frequency and pull ourselves out of a negative one?

There are many different methods, the most simple one i will explain today.

1. Focus on Positive thoughts, even ones there are not real.

Whatever thought that produces a positive emotional response, is good. Even if it is not true or half true. It will work. 

eg. "Im loosing weight", "I'm guna see a friend and watch a great movie" "I'm guna hit some billies, "I look good in that dress"

Wheather they happen or not happen, or is true or false, at that moment it feels true to you and creates a positive wave of energy. Now I'm not saying you should fantasize about false things all day because your mind will eventually catch on and realize you are lying.

But if you are going to fantasize at all, it might as well be beneficial. 

Negative snowball.

If you find yourself in a sudden fear of thinking a bad thought that produces a bad feeling.

First accept it, then tell yourself that thought is fake, it is a product of the past and the future which is NOT REAL, so they have no validity no matter sure you are of them.

When you are already in a low frequency, it is very hard to believe what u just said, but just keep it in mind.

Then move straight away unto a positive thought. The strongest one you have whatever that might be.

eg. "I have money in my bank", "I'm going on holiday soon", "i get to cuddle with my significant other", "Having a son would be beautiful, I would love to be a father", 

Keep fantasizing those thoughts, whether  their likely to happen or has happened or even will never happen. Until you get a positive emotional response. Once that response is achieved, feed of it as long as possible. And keep building.

Once your frequency opens up positively, your consciousness expands slowly until it is big enough to manifest itself positively. 

It is very important, to understand our thoughts manifest our reality. Not exactly but the lower frequency of our beings, the low frequency things it will manifest, attracting good and bad "luck" for example. 

Of course there are other ways which i have experiment, besides psychedelics our thoughts is the most important.

Meditation Helps tremendously. There are a million and one ways to meditate.

A good way to start is buy closing your eyes, and being conscious into putting your focus into positive thinking.

For as long as you can. Then when you are in a high frequency already, start to learn to shut off your thoughts, and stay in that frequency. As soon as you feel yourself slipping immediately bring your focus back to something positive.

As some one whose suffered from lots of trauma as a child.  i know the trap of negative thinking all to well. I have fought with it my whole life, never understanding until Ayahuasca and developing spiritually.

The life we wake up to, is the life we create. it is vital, to start your day off with a high frequency, and end it with a high frequency.

When something bad happens live through it, and when you get the chance slowly, slowly raise your thinking.

It is an Extremely difficult practice, but it does work. 

There is No illness, mentally you cannot come back from, Belief is important, practice is important. Feeling good is the most important, it is all in the mind. Do not blame anyone for how you are feeling and the solutions will come.

As Bob Marley sang which sounds simple but carries much truth.

"In life we have some troubles, when you worry you make it double"

If shit happens, it was going to happen regardless, nothing you can think of will change that. so why spend the whole time thinking of the shit. When you could be fantasizing about puppies.

Shamanism

A small taste into my own personal Journey into madness, to discover the Mystery of life through Ayahuasca and the tradition of Shamanism.

I cannot speak for anyones account of what Ayahuasca is to them, or what a shaman knows. I can only tell you my own experiences and what truth is to me. Because no matter what i read and hear from others, my experience is the only one that matters. and my beliefs from my experience is the only thing that is real for me. 

A Shaman is the word for "healer" or "medicine man" in ancient traditional cultures. The shaman almost always uses altered states of consciousness to heal their patients. The ayahuasca space you go into when under the medicine is created especially to get in contact with the spirits so they can come and interact with all participating passengers in the ceremony. And to essentially heal them from any underlying illnesses. 

How Ayahuasca heals?

So when Ayahuasca is drunk, you are not intoxicated, you are not drunk, you are just in a state of super clear consciousness. You are so aware of your being that everything makes sense. In the space the role of a shaman is to guide and directed through what you are experiencing. The Icaros they sing (songs to call the spirits)  are there so Ayahuasca and whatever good spirits are inside you mind, body and soul to decipher, understand and resolve whatever illnesses mental or physical are present in your being.

It is nothing short of a miracle. 

Shamanism....

Before I did Ayahuasca, i had my own personal beliefs of shamanism and what a shaman is. I can honestly say now that all my previous pre conceptions have been blown out the window.

Let me tell you why from my account. 

I am a shaman, it wasn't my choice, it was the choice of the spirit of Ayahuasca. As simple as that, in my first ceremony she came to me and told me in clear intuitive english that i was born for this, she showed me how the spirits claimed as a child and called for me through previous near death experiences i've had in my life. Which I did not understand and had absolutely no control of.

Because in my perception, to be a shaman there are a lot of factors, but one of the most sure fired way is to come in contact with a spirit who tries to kill you, and that is the test. For me it was 10 hours locked in a cage repeatedly under attack from forces unknown. But that is a story for another day.

The reasons why i never understood my calling to Ayahuasca was because i never surrendered myself to my devine purpose, and in this life funnily enough, it is to be an Ayahuascero or Curandero (Shaman). 

So in my extremely brief and tiny introduction to Shamanism, I did 21 ceremonies in the space of a month and a half, around half of them were private (one on one) with the two shamans in the Amazonas. Who sequentially became my spiritual parents, Maestro Elias and Sara. A husband and wife duo working for the Vida Libre retreat centre in Iquitos Peru.

So besides learning about the different plant medicines and some Icaros that were taught, I realize they were not training me to be a shaman, they were just looking after and creating the space for the spirits to teach me directly.

If you can wrap your head around that. There is no textbook instructions on how to be a shaman, there are books no libraries no notes nothing. You literally learn from the spirits directly. What does that mean?

When you are in the Ayahuasca space, it is 100% specifically modified for you, Ayahuasca creates the space you need in order to learn or to heal. So I had healing ceremonies, and i had learning ceremonies where spirits taught me through realization and awareness. And they are real, because i can see them in ceremony and they speak to me in whatever ways/language necessary to get through to me.

So no one will truly know what Ayahuasca is, not a man whose done it 20 times, not a shaman whose done it 20 000 times. Because what Ayahuasca is, can never be experienced directly, because when you ingest ayahuasca she manipulates herself to be presented to you, she manipulates the space specifically for the individual or individuals. That is why every single ceremony is a whole different world to the previous one. 

What a shaman does i feel, is just to make first contact with mother ayahuasca, to allow her to create a safe space where her spirit can interact with you whatever way she determines would be the best for you to learn.

IT IS ALL REAL. because you see it, you understand it, you feel it. You experience it. it is not worlds you create out of imagination. Because you can never imagine what you see, it is not possible, the geometric patterns, the beings, spirits, ghosts, worlds you dive into.

For example...

In one of my ceremonies, very common.

 I saw a giant Snake, MASSIVE, 60 foot long slithering in front of me looking at me directly in the eye. Ayahuasca wanted me to enter her. I was terrified I didn't know what to do, get eaten alive by this Giant Anaconda? You must be crazy... But as soon as I mentally prepared myself to enter this beast, she opened her mouth and swallowed whole whole. Straight away i was transported into another dimension of space and light and love. Millions of stars lit up the sky so bright and beautiful it filled my heart with love. I was flying in this unknown beautiful magnificent world.

that is what it means to fall in love with the Unknown, the Mystery that ayahuasca creates for you to experience, and each time it is completely captivating and different. 

So to sum up, those who are interested i cannot have any description or stories to make you believe the wonder, beautiful love you receive with ayahuasca.

It is your own journey, through courage and strength for you to experience it for your own. 

because I can show you the door, I can open it for you. But it is YOU who has to step through it. 

You have to make the conscious decision to go against everything you've been taught, all your instincts straight into the Mystery, and when you do, you will discover the meaning of true adventure, enormous strength and the best of all. The reward of Love.

From the City to the Jungle and back to the City

A very strange thing has been happening to me in the past year.

A spiritual awakening, with a very funny plot...

All my life i have looked in the mirror, and never recognized who I was. I thought i knew.. i forced myself to think that i knew. But in the moments when I was alone, or unhappy I knew deep down that I didn't know. I wanted to know so badly, that i created identities from my own mind to convince me I was somebody.

Isn't that what life is about? To be somebody..

When you drink Ayahuasca, you find out who you are, behind your name, behind your body, behind all the labels people have put on you. But most importantly, behind your thoughts, because who you think you are is not even who you are. You travel deep into your soul to find out. And i mean deep, deep into your soul.

All roads along the path lead to the same place. And i have tried many roads, all was a dead end. This was not because they were false, but because i had set upon a journey out of fear. But none the less, when someone realizes they are not who they think they are, it sets them in the right direction.

So through trail and error, a lot of prayers and a lot of drugs. I found myself on the path once again, this time I wasn't running from my fears, I was diving straight into them.

After my first few Ayahuasca ceremonies (I have 21 now under my belt) I realized this is what i want to do for the rest of my life, helping people face their fears. Because those who have truly overcome their fears will tell you, the only way to do so is to become your fear.


So i continued to spent a month in the jungle, mostly in solitary, with no one to speak english too as well. With the shamans and villagers.

My daily routine was to wake up 6 am. I would drink tea do my washing. Meditate until 8, have breakfast, come back to my house and lie in bed until 10, meditate some more, have lunch at 1, chill with the shamans, maybe go fishing or head to the village to play soccer. Come back for dinner around 7, watch the sunset over the river and lie in bed and fantasize about being with my Girl at a nice bar in the city having wine, with my all my friends around.

And that alone was a trip in itself, mentally so boring it really fucks with your mind. And apart from that, every second night I would do a full cup of ayahuasca and go for a ride for a good 4 - 6 hours.

Eventually I had I had come to the self realization, this physical world is very limited.

Most of the time we spent traveling alone, from A to B. Most of the time we live in our minds, never truly getting what we desire out of life, that ecstasy we feel. During sex, during praise, accomplishment, success, luck. We just spend it fantasizing for those moments to happen.

With Ayahuasca, I realize the spiritual/mental realm is more real, more exciting, more challenging then this physical world will ever be. When you come back down from the trip, you don't fantasize anymore, you just live in this present moment. You appreciate everything there is right now, not in the future, not in the past. Right now. It made life so very graceful and serene.

The jungle behind me, the river in front. I knew I was home. What I didn't understand at the time, was home was not because of my location in this, home was not because of the Ayahuasca, not because of prayers not even because of happiness. Home is literally being in this present moment.

So nearing the end of my 2 months with mother ayahuasca, in the jungle. A new fear developed, to be back in the city, in the world of ego. And where was my next stop, none other then the Giant City of Singapore. My birth place. How was I going to keep it together, in this world money and face value is portrayed subliminally as the ultimate goal, I was so scared but under the instructions of Ayahuasca I had to come back to spread the seeds.

It has been 2 weeks since i touched down.

My perception after ayahuasca has really made life interesting, the good the bad into one big adventure, physically, mentally and spiritually.

After Ayahuasca has touched your life, you see the world similar to that of a child. The feeling of the unknown, every corner you turn leads to a whole new world. No fear, no commitments, just pure wonder in the mystery.

But if you do not practice what has been experienced, you will fall back into the traps of society. If you do not devote time in an unstable, plastic, materialistic environment. It will once again consume you.

That has been my hardest challenge, to remind myself of what is real.

Life is a fucking game, thats all it is. A game for our Soul.

But with any game, like chess for example, you have to plan carefully, make sure things are where you want them to be, always moving forward. But if you loose or something bad happens, fuck it WHO CARES, move on.

As Christ says "To be in this world, but not of it"

to allow yourself to indulge in this gift which is life, but not to be entrapped and attached to it. To play our roles as son, friend, lover, father, daughter, mother, banker, student, athlete whatever. But to not hold onto them when something bad happens, to allow for change.

Keeping this in mind, it is easier said then done, and every night still i wish i was somewhere else with someone else. Being in the moment is short lived when your mind wonders, and trust me my mind fucking wonders to far imaginary lands. as with most I'm sure.

I stay connected to God through song and prayer but the boredom is taking its toll on my ego. Friends, family and money seem to bring me down often. Even thoughts of being with my lover brings me down because they are just thoughts and in time they will pass. i don't have her here..yet

So it is a very hard practice, and as much as we like to think we are enlightened beings, and we are. We also have to remember we are human, Ego is always present as long as flesh exists.

So i have been forgiving myself and accepting each time I fuck up. Each time i want to eat shitty, each time I curse and swear at people behind their backs, most helpful is when i forgive all my sexual perversity. It is important to not deny our sexual needs. It is one of the best ways to release stress and get back in touch with God. The feeling of ecstasy during orgasm is needed to continue living in your roles.

Don't get me wrong, i think it is a beautiful thing to abstain from sex with your lover or yourself or whoever and have it after a short period. It makes it 10 times more intense. But to suppress it for long extended periods goes totally against our biology and God for that matter.

I think people in todays society have such a warped view on sex it is seen as joke or something disgusting. When you truly connect with a person, sex is just another step closer. There should be no guilt, no pressure. Just souls connecting through their physical manifestations. You have to experience it for yourself to understand. You should never believe what anyone writes because truth is only experience. Share it with someone you love deeply, abstain and then indulge.

I have been struggling with sex all of my teenage life even up until i did ayahuasca i never properly understood what sex really is, I thought it was just primal, physical. To have a physical orgasm is one thing, to have a psychological, spiritual orgasm is a whole another world. And when it is understood and believed, you just can't wait to practice it ;)

It is also important to understand, there are no rules to love. You can love anyone and everyone as deeply as you want. Regardless of gender, age, appearance, roles.

Living in this big city, puts a lot of pressure to act accordingly. Social structures, government structures. I have to remind myself often I am Free. I am not apart of any structure but my own, no one owns me, no one can control me. God does everything, and the last thing on Gods mind is controlling us. His Creation, his children.

So I am 2 weeks in, I will definitely write about the end of my journey here. The souls I've shared it with, the joy and the struggles. All I appreciate. What God gives you is a gift. Whether it'd be the most beautiful moments or the darkest ones. It is all a gift from the divine. And I am thankful for the experiences i am given, and i love myself for my beauty, my darkness and my insecurities.

Once again feel free to ask any questions regarding, Ayahuasca or my beliefs. Feel free to research Ayahuasca and check out Vida Libre Retreat Website if you want to experience the magic for yourself.

www.vidalibreperu.com 

The First Encounter with Mother Ayahuasca.

It's absolutely crazy how Ayahuasca works. You just never know what your going to get. The absolute hardest part in any Ayahuasca ceremony is the moment the Shaman fills up your glass. That brown, sticky liquid pouring in, & bringing that glass from your hands up to your mouth. Once you swallow, you know there's no turning back.

So I had just left everything, took whatever money i had left and bought a ticket to Peru. Somehow, by Gods will I found my way to the Vida Libre Ayahuasca retreat in Iquitos. Very beautiful camp grounds, very beautiful facilities.

It was me and 10 other German passengers. They had all previously been acquainted with one another, I was just the tag along. The first few days leading up to ceremony was very difficult. Mentally, emotionally. I had a lot of fears and and doubts about the whole thing

Will this work? Maybe it's not for me? Is this safe? Is this evil? I hate it, this is stupid, I should go home.

Lots and lots of negative thoughts that eventually got blown the away by love.

So the first ceremony,

I was so nervous the whole time leading up to it, just before it began i started crying, tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. It is always very comforting to cry, very peaceful at the same time it is traumatic.

I believe crying to be some sort of a spiritual breakdown as well as a psychological release. The same with dreaming, i do feel better after i have a good cry.

The dosage

So i did half a cup, the very first time.

I would say 75% of a shot glass is around a normal to heavy dose. 100%, a full cup is considered a very heavy dose. So 50% is still going to hit you fucking hard.

So what happens...

I waited 40mins, thats around the time Ayahuasca takes to kick in.

AND NOTHING! NADA. Absolutely sober the whole way through the ceremony. I'm thinking to myself is this stuff fake?

But there were other people, who did half a cup as well, and they were tripping hard.

I was just completely sober. I even fell asleep. had very weird dreams though...

So the whole day after, i was very confused and sad.

I thought to myself, the next ceremony might just end up being the same thing. What if I had just paid and came all this way for nothing.

So darkness falls once again, it was time to drink for the second time...

All my life, i never understood what it was about, i had no fucking clue. I went through life doing things out of fear, in the hope the more control, power and status i obtained , would bring me more happiness. It just brought me a whole lotta pain to be honest haha.

After this night, I can honestly say to myself, it all finally makes sense.

So after having no effect the previous night, I went for the Heroic Dose. One full cup.

The Setting..

The ceremony environment at Vida Libre is very traditional, very peaceful and comforting. They really ensure that the passengers receive a true authentic Aya experience whilst feeling protected at the same time. We have very thick comfortable mattresses, we sit in a half circle surrounding the shamans, there are always helpers on the side and outside the ceremonial area if help is needed. 

So that was very comforting to me, even if i did start tripping badly, my safety and the safety of others would not be compromised.

So after i received Ayahuasca from the shamans, I went back to my mattress, lied down until the lights went out.

In every ceremony, it is done in absolute darkness, this can be quite intimidating for most. But i can assure you, you would not want to have it done any other way.

So in complete darkness, accepting my fate. I start feeling this tingling sensation in my body, it started of small, and grew and grew until my whole body was in this ecstatic vibration.

It was VERY, VERY NICE. Like a whole body orgasm, just complete and utter sexual ecstasy, I felt Ayahuasca's presence immediately, this radiant, feminine, sensual, motherly figure that was just pure healing love. Thats all it is, pure love.
Something I had been seeking for my whole life.

The feeling when you were a kid, and you got scared and all you wanted was for your mum to come and hug you, hold you. A feeling I never had for a very long time, I almost forgot what it felt like, it was so beautiful.

I kept asking her.

"Why are you so nice to me?"

What have I done to deserve such love, such comfort. It was incredible.

Then Ayahuasca showed me, she took me on a RIDE through my life, all the pain, all the confusion, all my fears. It all made sense, I had to live through them to get to her. I had to suffer to find her. I accepted EVERYTHING. it made so much sense, flashbacks like a movie, super clear visions. Painful times, sad times, happy times. I accepted it all as if it were a gift from God. I cried and cried. Tears of Love and Joy.

After that my visuals just went crazy. Egyptian Doctors, like the drawings in the pyramid of half man half bird. Surrounded me, taking out my heart from my body, and fixing it. It was REAL, it was all so real.

They held my hearts in their hands, a giant glow came out of it. They put it back into my body, and I felt this electricity rise from my spine, they had open all my chakras! Such a powerful energy just rushing through my body, I immediately got up and started dancing, it was so strong i had to move. I couldn't stay still. I saw myself as a monk, under this tree and I was meditating.

Then she spoke to me, it was in crystal clear telepathic english.

"You are my son, you are to work for me. I will teach you, I will train you, I will heal you, you will learn to heal everyone, all the people you love, all my children, you serve God now."

It was so fucking intense, I just accepted it you know. Im not going to say No, I'm not going to turn away the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. This pure love energy. Who would?

The shamans and they're Icaros (songs to call the spirits) were so powerful and strong. I realize  how hard it was for them, to heal so many people. WE can never thank the shamans enough for they're work, most people don't understand the incredibly massive task at hand it is to heal people. One of the hardest but most rewarding jobs in my opinion.

Then i started to see a lot of things, for myself. Like my mind went from this jungle matrix of love into breaking down psychologically my own ego. Every aspect of myself i love and hated just became see through. I understood why it is i felt certain ways, all my fears, all my desires. All the relationships i had with everyone... girls, guys, family, friends. It was incredible.

No counsellor or psychologist could make you realize such a thing.

After my mind had been blasted by this love, i started feeling a strong connection to one of the passengers in the group, i was attracted to her the very first time we met. It was a very weird attraction that went beyond the physical. Then during the ceremony, the attraction was so intense i had to be next to her. It was like I met her before, in another time and place. Like as if I loved her before I even knew her. It was just crazy. Later the next day i would find out she felt the exact same way.

The ceremony ended, I was so just surprised and shock, i had no words to explain what just happened. That ceremony was the beginning of what is now a life long relationship with Ayahuasca. I stayed after the retreat in the jungle for 2 more months just to work with her.

It has worked wonders i could never have dreamed of. I want to share this message with all of you,

Magic is Real. Healing is possible.

I have seen it with my eyes, and felt it in my heart.

Even if you don't need healing, just come to experience Ayahuasca and you will not regret it, you will find strengths you never knew you had. Open doors you never thought were possible.

So thanks to all the people at the retreat. They had really become by the end of it, my brothers and sisters.

The team at Vida Libre, they make sure everything is running like its suppose to. I am so happy to be apart of the wonderful team.

I would have not asked for it to be any other way.

Anyone who has any questions, feel free to comment or message me.
Checkout the website if your interested in the retreat. Do your research, get as much info as you can before deciding to come over.

Ayahuasca, done correctly and safely. Will change your life for the better. That I can promise. :)