A very strange thing has been happening to me in the past year.
A spiritual awakening, with a very funny plot...
All my life i have looked in the mirror, and never recognized who I was. I thought i knew.. i forced myself to think that i knew. But in the moments when I was alone, or unhappy I knew deep down that I didn't know. I wanted to know so badly, that i created identities from my own mind to convince me I was somebody.
Isn't that what life is about? To be somebody..
When you drink Ayahuasca, you find out who you are, behind your name, behind your body, behind all the labels people have put on you. But most importantly, behind your thoughts, because who you think you are is not even who you are. You travel deep into your soul to find out. And i mean deep, deep into your soul.
All roads along the path lead to the same place. And i have tried many roads, all was a dead end. This was not because they were false, but because i had set upon a journey out of fear. But none the less, when someone realizes they are not who they think they are, it sets them in the right direction.
So through trail and error, a lot of prayers and a lot of drugs. I found myself on the path once again, this time I wasn't running from my fears, I was diving straight into them.
After my first few Ayahuasca ceremonies (I have 21 now under my belt) I realized this is what i want to do for the rest of my life, helping people face their fears. Because those who have truly overcome their fears will tell you, the only way to do so is to become your fear.
So i continued to spent a month in the jungle, mostly in solitary, with no one to speak english too as well. With the shamans and villagers.
My daily routine was to wake up 6 am. I would drink tea do my washing. Meditate until 8, have breakfast, come back to my house and lie in bed until 10, meditate some more, have lunch at 1, chill with the shamans, maybe go fishing or head to the village to play soccer. Come back for dinner around 7, watch the sunset over the river and lie in bed and fantasize about being with my Girl at a nice bar in the city having wine, with my all my friends around.
And that alone was a trip in itself, mentally so boring it really fucks with your mind. And apart from that, every second night I would do a full cup of ayahuasca and go for a ride for a good 4 - 6 hours.
Eventually I had I had come to the self realization, this physical world is very limited.
Most of the time we spent traveling alone, from A to B. Most of the time we live in our minds, never truly getting what we desire out of life, that ecstasy we feel. During sex, during praise, accomplishment, success, luck. We just spend it fantasizing for those moments to happen.
With Ayahuasca, I realize the spiritual/mental realm is more real, more exciting, more challenging then this physical world will ever be. When you come back down from the trip, you don't fantasize anymore, you just live in this present moment. You appreciate everything there is right now, not in the future, not in the past. Right now. It made life so very graceful and serene.
The jungle behind me, the river in front. I knew I was home. What I didn't understand at the time, was home was not because of my location in this, home was not because of the Ayahuasca, not because of prayers not even because of happiness. Home is literally being in this present moment.
So nearing the end of my 2 months with mother ayahuasca, in the jungle. A new fear developed, to be back in the city, in the world of ego. And where was my next stop, none other then the Giant City of Singapore. My birth place. How was I going to keep it together, in this world money and face value is portrayed subliminally as the ultimate goal, I was so scared but under the instructions of Ayahuasca I had to come back to spread the seeds.
It has been 2 weeks since i touched down.
My perception after ayahuasca has really made life interesting, the good the bad into one big adventure, physically, mentally and spiritually.
After Ayahuasca has touched your life, you see the world similar to that of a child. The feeling of the unknown, every corner you turn leads to a whole new world. No fear, no commitments, just pure wonder in the mystery.
But if you do not practice what has been experienced, you will fall back into the traps of society. If you do not devote time in an unstable, plastic, materialistic environment. It will once again consume you.
That has been my hardest challenge, to remind myself of what is real.
Life is a fucking game, thats all it is. A game for our Soul.
But with any game, like chess for example, you have to plan carefully, make sure things are where you want them to be, always moving forward. But if you loose or something bad happens, fuck it WHO CARES, move on.
As Christ says "To be in this world, but not of it"
to allow yourself to indulge in this gift which is life, but not to be entrapped and attached to it. To play our roles as son, friend, lover, father, daughter, mother, banker, student, athlete whatever. But to not hold onto them when something bad happens, to allow for change.
Keeping this in mind, it is easier said then done, and every night still i wish i was somewhere else with someone else. Being in the moment is short lived when your mind wonders, and trust me my mind fucking wonders to far imaginary lands. as with most I'm sure.
I stay connected to God through song and prayer but the boredom is taking its toll on my ego. Friends, family and money seem to bring me down often. Even thoughts of being with my lover brings me down because they are just thoughts and in time they will pass. i don't have her here..yet
So it is a very hard practice, and as much as we like to think we are enlightened beings, and we are. We also have to remember we are human, Ego is always present as long as flesh exists.
So i have been forgiving myself and accepting each time I fuck up. Each time i want to eat shitty, each time I curse and swear at people behind their backs, most helpful is when i forgive all my sexual perversity. It is important to not deny our sexual needs. It is one of the best ways to release stress and get back in touch with God. The feeling of ecstasy during orgasm is needed to continue living in your roles.
Don't get me wrong, i think it is a beautiful thing to abstain from sex with your lover or yourself or whoever and have it after a short period. It makes it 10 times more intense. But to suppress it for long extended periods goes totally against our biology and God for that matter.
I think people in todays society have such a warped view on sex it is seen as joke or something disgusting. When you truly connect with a person, sex is just another step closer. There should be no guilt, no pressure. Just souls connecting through their physical manifestations. You have to experience it for yourself to understand. You should never believe what anyone writes because truth is only experience. Share it with someone you love deeply, abstain and then indulge.
I have been struggling with sex all of my teenage life even up until i did ayahuasca i never properly understood what sex really is, I thought it was just primal, physical. To have a physical orgasm is one thing, to have a psychological, spiritual orgasm is a whole another world. And when it is understood and believed, you just can't wait to practice it ;)
It is also important to understand, there are no rules to love. You can love anyone and everyone as deeply as you want. Regardless of gender, age, appearance, roles.
Living in this big city, puts a lot of pressure to act accordingly. Social structures, government structures. I have to remind myself often I am Free. I am not apart of any structure but my own, no one owns me, no one can control me. God does everything, and the last thing on Gods mind is controlling us. His Creation, his children.
So I am 2 weeks in, I will definitely write about the end of my journey here. The souls I've shared it with, the joy and the struggles. All I appreciate. What God gives you is a gift. Whether it'd be the most beautiful moments or the darkest ones. It is all a gift from the divine. And I am thankful for the experiences i am given, and i love myself for my beauty, my darkness and my insecurities.
Once again feel free to ask any questions regarding, Ayahuasca or my beliefs. Feel free to research Ayahuasca and check out Vida Libre Retreat Website if you want to experience the magic for yourself.
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