The Truth about the Spiritual Journey

It was not as once thought that finding God was an easy task,

I have been on a path to find him my whole life, without even knowing. 

The real search began after returning home from serving two years in the Army under the conscription act. Always realizing the impact abuse had over me throughout the years growing up. Verbal, physical, sexual. I never knew exactly what was so scarring about it, until now. What was still tying me down to it no matter where i ran to or got in life.

The child in me that didn't scream when he wanted, didn't shout, curse, swear, cried, attacked, blamed, smiled, love, when he was meant to. 

You must express emotion, right the second you feel it. However way you must. For holding onto it is like holding onto a razor, a flame, anything that burns the longer you posses it.

As a kid i was told it was wrong, you must hide yourself from the world. I was told when to eat, when to speak, when to feel, how to feel and why being yourself when your meant to be yourself is wrong. 

I kept that in me and it came out when it was not meant to, in a more devastating way then it was suppose to.

I turn to violence, i turn to lies, i turn to crime, I had a drug problem at 14, a sex problem at 18. I did anything i could to run from the feeling that was inside me. You can never run, only bury it deeper. 

Regardless of what i did i knew i was still a sweet kid, really. All i wanted was love and to be loved. But my earliest memories of love were just guilt. I felt bad for being who i was. So i went as far from love as possible. I wanted power, i wanted respect, i want people to be jealous, I wanted to show everyone why they wish they had my life.

I was trying to be this fighter/playboy character that was just a front. It was all a front from the fear i had of loving. God gave me other plans, 

when i was at the top of the world with my fighting ego, traveling to other countries, getting paid, getting a name, getting the most bullshit 'likes' on Facebook. I was permanently injured. Freak accident they said.

When i was getting laid the most, totally warping and destroying my beliefs on sex and women. Which i had no idea about. Sleeping with over 50 women in the space of a year. I got myself too deep and ended up getting a beautiful girl pregnant, tearing a family with children apart. Loosing my faith completely in relationships, destroying my sexual self and worst of all creating this fucking image that wasn't me.

It was not by chance that i had these things happen to me. I had to learn that it was living, i had to go back face my demons to truly live.

In my first encounter with what to me was God, the divine, the universe, allah whatever you call it. 

I experience love that i knew was always there but was too blind to see. The love from a mother, a father. A lover. All rolled into one unconditional space of constant sexual ecstasy with the universe. It was brought on by psychedelics. The constant state of full body mind spirit orgasm that lasted hours. 

The feeling that "its all good, everything is perfect" complete love compassion and forgiveness for everything.

That night i realized that there was something real to live for. Something worth it, something that made sense. I thought the answer was psychedelic drugs for a long time.

It lead me to many journeys deep into who I am. Many realization. The path to find God, to find happiness within, not as a product from the external, material world.

Mediation, chanting, attending mass, praying, fasting soon followed but all roads lead to the same path and i had to learn what i had to learn.

Finding God lead me on a very lonely and dark road.

This is the reason why...

When you are invited into the Kingdom of heaven, into the scared space of true unconditional love for yourself and the world. You do not stay there, you fall. The higher you get to real love the harder the fall is.

You are forced to confront what you have been running from, the baggage inside your subconscious, the emotions that should have released all those years ago. They come back out.

You get to a point on this journey that you can't even enjoy going out to have a simple meal with a friend. You loose interest in what you thought was making you happy, party, girls, shopping, attention, drugs, fame, praise, gossip, talking shit, fucking Facebook, nothing can distract you from the silence, and emptiness between the words.

It all doesn't make sense anymore, the harsh truth that you have been living a lie. A sorta costume, a suit. You walk to the next guy wearing a different suit. And you both comment on how beautiful your suit is. When you don't even know what you look like naked. 

That what it is, and you feel naked for once, the suit doesn't fit. Nothing fits.

You've got friends, so what? You've got a girlfriend, so what? Your attending school, so what? your an athlete, so what? your good looking, so what? You've accomplished many things, so what? It all goes out the window on this spiritual journey. When you find yourself on it, there are no U turns. 

There is a very important lesson to be learn from this spiritual journey.

Finding out who you are totally naked, Behind your name, behind your body, behind even your thoughts. And loving that completely naked being, because that being to me is God. 

It a a fucking difficult, lonely road. Everyone is always alone in life at the same time we are all connected. No matter how many friends or company your with. You realize your alone when there is silence, when you look someone in the blackness of their eyes and not say a word. You appreciate them not for their suit, but for being naked. 

Its a hard thing to withstand man, silence. You get nervous, anxious. Like your meant to be doing something, saying something to prove you exist. It does not make sense to me anymore.

Most of you people can't even go an hour, without your Phones, internet, connection before you feel anxious. Thats the truth for everyone including myself. We feel the need to be in contact with someone, something external to remind ourself we are alive. 

The truth the spiritual path takes you to eventually, is the fact that permanent bliss and happiness comes from with in. You have to loose everything to realize you are everything and nothing was yours in the first place.

And its a tough gig. 

Who wants to give up what they believed their whole lives would make them happy. 

Who wants to face demons from the past, who wants to really confront their biggest fears, and see how strong you really are when the world you thought was real disappears. 

No one, not even me. If i could turn back i would've many times. But there are no U turns here.

is it worth it?

Ill let you know, but its like once you've taken the red pill, that ain't no way you can go back. 

You do find beautiful hints of whats real to appreciate, love, nature, children, Raw emotion like seeing a wild animal killing its prey, like a father holding his child for the first time, like the compassion you see in the eyes of someone who has hope and forgives no matter how hard life got.

From the City to the Jungle and back to the City

A very strange thing has been happening to me in the past year.

A spiritual awakening, with a very funny plot...

All my life i have looked in the mirror, and never recognized who I was. I thought i knew.. i forced myself to think that i knew. But in the moments when I was alone, or unhappy I knew deep down that I didn't know. I wanted to know so badly, that i created identities from my own mind to convince me I was somebody.

Isn't that what life is about? To be somebody..

When you drink Ayahuasca, you find out who you are, behind your name, behind your body, behind all the labels people have put on you. But most importantly, behind your thoughts, because who you think you are is not even who you are. You travel deep into your soul to find out. And i mean deep, deep into your soul.

All roads along the path lead to the same place. And i have tried many roads, all was a dead end. This was not because they were false, but because i had set upon a journey out of fear. But none the less, when someone realizes they are not who they think they are, it sets them in the right direction.

So through trail and error, a lot of prayers and a lot of drugs. I found myself on the path once again, this time I wasn't running from my fears, I was diving straight into them.

After my first few Ayahuasca ceremonies (I have 21 now under my belt) I realized this is what i want to do for the rest of my life, helping people face their fears. Because those who have truly overcome their fears will tell you, the only way to do so is to become your fear.


So i continued to spent a month in the jungle, mostly in solitary, with no one to speak english too as well. With the shamans and villagers.

My daily routine was to wake up 6 am. I would drink tea do my washing. Meditate until 8, have breakfast, come back to my house and lie in bed until 10, meditate some more, have lunch at 1, chill with the shamans, maybe go fishing or head to the village to play soccer. Come back for dinner around 7, watch the sunset over the river and lie in bed and fantasize about being with my Girl at a nice bar in the city having wine, with my all my friends around.

And that alone was a trip in itself, mentally so boring it really fucks with your mind. And apart from that, every second night I would do a full cup of ayahuasca and go for a ride for a good 4 - 6 hours.

Eventually I had I had come to the self realization, this physical world is very limited.

Most of the time we spent traveling alone, from A to B. Most of the time we live in our minds, never truly getting what we desire out of life, that ecstasy we feel. During sex, during praise, accomplishment, success, luck. We just spend it fantasizing for those moments to happen.

With Ayahuasca, I realize the spiritual/mental realm is more real, more exciting, more challenging then this physical world will ever be. When you come back down from the trip, you don't fantasize anymore, you just live in this present moment. You appreciate everything there is right now, not in the future, not in the past. Right now. It made life so very graceful and serene.

The jungle behind me, the river in front. I knew I was home. What I didn't understand at the time, was home was not because of my location in this, home was not because of the Ayahuasca, not because of prayers not even because of happiness. Home is literally being in this present moment.

So nearing the end of my 2 months with mother ayahuasca, in the jungle. A new fear developed, to be back in the city, in the world of ego. And where was my next stop, none other then the Giant City of Singapore. My birth place. How was I going to keep it together, in this world money and face value is portrayed subliminally as the ultimate goal, I was so scared but under the instructions of Ayahuasca I had to come back to spread the seeds.

It has been 2 weeks since i touched down.

My perception after ayahuasca has really made life interesting, the good the bad into one big adventure, physically, mentally and spiritually.

After Ayahuasca has touched your life, you see the world similar to that of a child. The feeling of the unknown, every corner you turn leads to a whole new world. No fear, no commitments, just pure wonder in the mystery.

But if you do not practice what has been experienced, you will fall back into the traps of society. If you do not devote time in an unstable, plastic, materialistic environment. It will once again consume you.

That has been my hardest challenge, to remind myself of what is real.

Life is a fucking game, thats all it is. A game for our Soul.

But with any game, like chess for example, you have to plan carefully, make sure things are where you want them to be, always moving forward. But if you loose or something bad happens, fuck it WHO CARES, move on.

As Christ says "To be in this world, but not of it"

to allow yourself to indulge in this gift which is life, but not to be entrapped and attached to it. To play our roles as son, friend, lover, father, daughter, mother, banker, student, athlete whatever. But to not hold onto them when something bad happens, to allow for change.

Keeping this in mind, it is easier said then done, and every night still i wish i was somewhere else with someone else. Being in the moment is short lived when your mind wonders, and trust me my mind fucking wonders to far imaginary lands. as with most I'm sure.

I stay connected to God through song and prayer but the boredom is taking its toll on my ego. Friends, family and money seem to bring me down often. Even thoughts of being with my lover brings me down because they are just thoughts and in time they will pass. i don't have her here..yet

So it is a very hard practice, and as much as we like to think we are enlightened beings, and we are. We also have to remember we are human, Ego is always present as long as flesh exists.

So i have been forgiving myself and accepting each time I fuck up. Each time i want to eat shitty, each time I curse and swear at people behind their backs, most helpful is when i forgive all my sexual perversity. It is important to not deny our sexual needs. It is one of the best ways to release stress and get back in touch with God. The feeling of ecstasy during orgasm is needed to continue living in your roles.

Don't get me wrong, i think it is a beautiful thing to abstain from sex with your lover or yourself or whoever and have it after a short period. It makes it 10 times more intense. But to suppress it for long extended periods goes totally against our biology and God for that matter.

I think people in todays society have such a warped view on sex it is seen as joke or something disgusting. When you truly connect with a person, sex is just another step closer. There should be no guilt, no pressure. Just souls connecting through their physical manifestations. You have to experience it for yourself to understand. You should never believe what anyone writes because truth is only experience. Share it with someone you love deeply, abstain and then indulge.

I have been struggling with sex all of my teenage life even up until i did ayahuasca i never properly understood what sex really is, I thought it was just primal, physical. To have a physical orgasm is one thing, to have a psychological, spiritual orgasm is a whole another world. And when it is understood and believed, you just can't wait to practice it ;)

It is also important to understand, there are no rules to love. You can love anyone and everyone as deeply as you want. Regardless of gender, age, appearance, roles.

Living in this big city, puts a lot of pressure to act accordingly. Social structures, government structures. I have to remind myself often I am Free. I am not apart of any structure but my own, no one owns me, no one can control me. God does everything, and the last thing on Gods mind is controlling us. His Creation, his children.

So I am 2 weeks in, I will definitely write about the end of my journey here. The souls I've shared it with, the joy and the struggles. All I appreciate. What God gives you is a gift. Whether it'd be the most beautiful moments or the darkest ones. It is all a gift from the divine. And I am thankful for the experiences i am given, and i love myself for my beauty, my darkness and my insecurities.

Once again feel free to ask any questions regarding, Ayahuasca or my beliefs. Feel free to research Ayahuasca and check out Vida Libre Retreat Website if you want to experience the magic for yourself.

www.vidalibreperu.com 

What is Ayahuasca ?

The Magical Plant Goddess Ayahuasca

The Science and history behind it.

Ayahuasca is a psycho-active brew that has been used in ancient shamanic tribal cultures across South-America for centuries. It contains 3 Main Ingredients, The Ayahuasca Vine, the Chakruna leaf and water. Any other ingredients vary from shaman, to tribe and culture.

It is used to this date for the exact same reason, to heal. It is proven to heal an endless range of mental and emotional illnesses as well as physical.

There is always a Shaman present during the consumption, and during ceremony which lasts for 4-6 hours. They overlook and control the ayahuasca space everyone is in.

In the West Ayahuasca is illegal because the faceless pigs who control the government are aware of it's boundary dissolving powers which is lethal to the structure of Western Civiliasation.

In countries like Peru on the other hand, it PROTECTED by government under laws of Religious Freedom.

The active molecule in it is DMT (Dimethyltryptamine) which is a chemical produced by our own human bodies, and is most present during sleep, in the stage know as REM sleep. Where are dreams are created. There are a lot of theories, one of which most researched, is that the "Pineal Gland" or  'Third Eye' is responsible for the production of this chemical. Although never proven, research is still continued to locate the exact location.

Ayahuasca is made by boiling the 3 ingredients together for 8 hours and refining it down to thick, black bitter liquid that really taste like shit.

The Spiritual...

Now this is the exquisitely, mysterious, captivating, beautiful side of Ayahuasca which is why millions all over travel to the ends of the world just for ceremony... Why I fell in love with the plant.

To Believe this world as just the physical is very ignorant. Taking Ayahuasca will take you past the physical, past the mind and into the realm of spirit, which in my belief, is more real than this physical world we wake up to.

The spirit of Ayahuasca is very Feminine, she is our Mother, Mother Gaya, Mother Earth, Mother Mary. Whatever you call her she is the spirit behind the beauty of nature in this world. She draws strength from all the other spirits that are roaming and shows the light to whoever seeks.

There are many plant Allies and diets to Ayahuasca, all with connection to the spirit of Ayahuasca.

In all of us, we have a soul which is connected to all things. What Ayahuasca does is connect you with your soul. Who is always happy and does not live in the illusion of time and space.

It is a door then once we step through, forces us to change our perspective of all we have been lead to believe in life. One way or the other, she will change you for the better.

During Ceremony, the shaman (healer) drinks the Ayahuasca with us. When we are in trance, he sings his Icaros (songs of the spirit) to call for them to help us and heal and give us strength.

You are transported into the jungle matrix, the space where plants, animals and all beings live harmoniously. Where the laws of physics does not exist. Beings which are REAL but not made of matter.

It is an endlessly beautiful, mysterious and sometimes very SCARY world. The courage needed is very demanding but EXTREMELY rewarding. The ultimate battle, good vs. evil inside of yourself.

Crazy Shit I know, but you do not find God, through the rational mind.