I have been on a path to find him my whole life, without even knowing.
The real search began after returning home from serving two years in the Army under the conscription act. Always realizing the impact abuse had over me throughout the years growing up. Verbal, physical, sexual. I never knew exactly what was so scarring about it, until now. What was still tying me down to it no matter where i ran to or got in life.
The child in me that didn't scream when he wanted, didn't shout, curse, swear, cried, attacked, blamed, smiled, love, when he was meant to.
You must express emotion, right the second you feel it. However way you must. For holding onto it is like holding onto a razor, a flame, anything that burns the longer you posses it.
As a kid i was told it was wrong, you must hide yourself from the world. I was told when to eat, when to speak, when to feel, how to feel and why being yourself when your meant to be yourself is wrong.
I kept that in me and it came out when it was not meant to, in a more devastating way then it was suppose to.
I turn to violence, i turn to lies, i turn to crime, I had a drug problem at 14, a sex problem at 18. I did anything i could to run from the feeling that was inside me. You can never run, only bury it deeper.
Regardless of what i did i knew i was still a sweet kid, really. All i wanted was love and to be loved. But my earliest memories of love were just guilt. I felt bad for being who i was. So i went as far from love as possible. I wanted power, i wanted respect, i want people to be jealous, I wanted to show everyone why they wish they had my life.
I was trying to be this fighter/playboy character that was just a front. It was all a front from the fear i had of loving. God gave me other plans,
when i was at the top of the world with my fighting ego, traveling to other countries, getting paid, getting a name, getting the most bullshit 'likes' on Facebook. I was permanently injured. Freak accident they said.
When i was getting laid the most, totally warping and destroying my beliefs on sex and women. Which i had no idea about. Sleeping with over 50 women in the space of a year. I got myself too deep and ended up getting a beautiful girl pregnant, tearing a family with children apart. Loosing my faith completely in relationships, destroying my sexual self and worst of all creating this fucking image that wasn't me.
It was not by chance that i had these things happen to me. I had to learn that it was living, i had to go back face my demons to truly live.
In my first encounter with what to me was God, the divine, the universe, allah whatever you call it.
The feeling that "its all good, everything is perfect" complete love compassion and forgiveness for everything.
That night i realized that there was something real to live for. Something worth it, something that made sense. I thought the answer was psychedelic drugs for a long time.
It lead me to many journeys deep into who I am. Many realization. The path to find God, to find happiness within, not as a product from the external, material world.
Mediation, chanting, attending mass, praying, fasting soon followed but all roads lead to the same path and i had to learn what i had to learn.
Mediation, chanting, attending mass, praying, fasting soon followed but all roads lead to the same path and i had to learn what i had to learn.
Finding God lead me on a very lonely and dark road.
This is the reason why...
When you are invited into the Kingdom of heaven, into the scared space of true unconditional love for yourself and the world. You do not stay there, you fall. The higher you get to real love the harder the fall is.
You are forced to confront what you have been running from, the baggage inside your subconscious, the emotions that should have released all those years ago. They come back out.
You get to a point on this journey that you can't even enjoy going out to have a simple meal with a friend. You loose interest in what you thought was making you happy, party, girls, shopping, attention, drugs, fame, praise, gossip, talking shit, fucking Facebook, nothing can distract you from the silence, and emptiness between the words.
It all doesn't make sense anymore, the harsh truth that you have been living a lie. A sorta costume, a suit. You walk to the next guy wearing a different suit. And you both comment on how beautiful your suit is. When you don't even know what you look like naked.
That what it is, and you feel naked for once, the suit doesn't fit. Nothing fits.
You've got friends, so what? You've got a girlfriend, so what? Your attending school, so what? your an athlete, so what? your good looking, so what? You've accomplished many things, so what? It all goes out the window on this spiritual journey. When you find yourself on it, there are no U turns.
There is a very important lesson to be learn from this spiritual journey.
Finding out who you are totally naked, Behind your name, behind your body, behind even your thoughts. And loving that completely naked being, because that being to me is God.
It a a fucking difficult, lonely road. Everyone is always alone in life at the same time we are all connected. No matter how many friends or company your with. You realize your alone when there is silence, when you look someone in the blackness of their eyes and not say a word. You appreciate them not for their suit, but for being naked.
Its a hard thing to withstand man, silence. You get nervous, anxious. Like your meant to be doing something, saying something to prove you exist. It does not make sense to me anymore.
Most of you people can't even go an hour, without your Phones, internet, connection before you feel anxious. Thats the truth for everyone including myself. We feel the need to be in contact with someone, something external to remind ourself we are alive.
The truth the spiritual path takes you to eventually, is the fact that permanent bliss and happiness comes from with in. You have to loose everything to realize you are everything and nothing was yours in the first place.
And its a tough gig.
Who wants to give up what they believed their whole lives would make them happy.
Who wants to face demons from the past, who wants to really confront their biggest fears, and see how strong you really are when the world you thought was real disappears.
No one, not even me. If i could turn back i would've many times. But there are no U turns here.
is it worth it?
Ill let you know, but its like once you've taken the red pill, that ain't no way you can go back.
You do find beautiful hints of whats real to appreciate, love, nature, children, Raw emotion like seeing a wild animal killing its prey, like a father holding his child for the first time, like the compassion you see in the eyes of someone who has hope and forgives no matter how hard life got.
